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The New Chuck Norris

When Tim Tebow was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he threw a football at the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.

Tim Tebow has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

When it rains in the swamp Tim Tebow doesn’t get wet. The rain gets Tim Tebow’d.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Tim Tebow is worth 1 billion words.

Tim Tebow was once sleeping on his stomach when he got morning wood and struck oil.

Tim Tebow CAN believe it’s not butter.

The recent earthquake off the coast of Florida measured 6.0 on the Richter scale, or .024 Tim Tebows.

On his birthday, Tim Tebow randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Tim Tebow picked up the city of New Orleans with his pinky, and drained it.

Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Tim Tebow pass.

Tim Tebow makes even Chuck Norris shit his pants.

Tim Tebow’s hand is the only hand that beats a Royal Flush.

Tim Tebow smokes after sex. Not cigarettes, his penis literally smokes.

If tapped, a Tim Tebow rush could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

Tim Tebow can divide by zero.

Tim Tebow has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

Blood normally accounts for 13% of a person’s total body weight… the other 87% of Tebow is badass.

Tim Tebow won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

When taking the SAT, write ‘Tim Tebow’ for every answer. You will score more than 1600.

Tim Tebow ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Tim Tebow played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Tim Tebow doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Tim Tebow throws down!

Life doesn’t give Tim Tebow lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined ‘victim’ as ‘one who has encountered Tim Tebow’

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Tim Tebow lives in Florida.

Tim Tebow has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Tim Tebow laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Tim Tebow, each testicle is larger than the other one.

It takes Tim Tebow 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Tim Tebow CAN touch MC Hammer.

Tim Tebow caught the road runner, then kicked Wil E. Coyote’s ass for being a bitch.

Tim Tebow once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.


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